Gluemeat

We have these glasses at home which have monkeys engraved into them from the inside.

So I was enjoying a glass a milk at dinner. I tipped the glass a little to get a better look at its contents after taking a sip.  As the milk ran down the side back into the glass, it contoured the embossed shape. It was supposed to look like a monkey. It looked like this:

Instead of a frollicking simian dangling off the edge of the glass, I get this white, grotesque spook.

Thus, with this event, Halloween was officially kicked off at Gluemeat HQ.

Okay.  I’m in a mood.  A bad mood.  I’m like Thor, baby.  Thunderclaps with my mighty hammer Mjolnir of justice which I call GLUEMEAT DOT COM.
I love root beer. Like, yeah. I love root beer. I love root beer like you love your lives, people. That’s how bloody much I love root beer. Okay? I’m a root beer lover enthusiast. I know a good glass of root beer from a bad glass of root beer. Yeah, that’s me. I can do that. CAN YOUR MOMMA DO THAT? NO, I DIDN’T THINK SO.

I love root beer but I can’t drink any old slop. Like don’t get me started on that high-end windshield washing liquid Coca-Cola calls Barq’s root beer, or that boiled potato swill Mug root beer. A&W root beer is about the closest mass-produced root beer which will do the trick when you’re stuck and need a glass, but it’s like saying you’ll settle for Mirage when you really wanted Optimus Prime.

Okay, so I know root beer. I love root beer. My local supermarket of choice is the only place around my redneck, under-educated, root beer ignorant neighborhood to carry a premium brand of root beer: Stewart’s Fountain Classic Root Beer. But you know what? Guess what? THEY NEVER HAVE THE BLOODY STUFF IN STOCK.

So tonight I go over to the supermarket to pick me up some oranges, right? Yeah, I eat oranges. I love oranges. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME EATING ORANGES? I wanted oranges, and we were out, so I went to buy oranges, okay? OKAY? Okay.

So I went in for oranges and figured I’d pick up a bottle of Smithwick’s root beer for the evening, but lo and behold, as freakin’ twenty seven hundred times out of twenty seven hundred and five, THEY WERE OUT OF STEWART’S ROOT BEER. Yeah, that never sits well with me.  When I want a good glass of root beer, I want a good glass of root beer.  But no.  They never seem to be able to keep it in stock.  They have all the other STEWART’s flavours: Orange n’ Cream, Key Lime, Cream Soda, Ginger Beer, Wishniak Black Cherry… oh, they never seem to run out of THOSE.

But no, that wasn’t really the problem.  Here’s the kicker.  Here’s the deal.  Here’s what made me fly off the handle and pull out my cameraphone:

They ran out of Stewart’s root beer and filled in the empty space with bottles of A&W root beer. THEY FILLED IN THE SPACE WHERE THE PREMIUM ROOT BEER WOULD GO WITH BOTTLES OF PLAIN JANE A&W ROOT BEER! The NERVE!  It wasn’t insulting enough for them to be unable to keep the Stewart’s root beer in stock, no, they figured we’d settle for a sub-par beverage which, in reality, is NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL.  Premium root beer and A&W root beer are in TWO SEPARATE CLASSES and one cannot be passed off as the other!  How dare they do this?

Gee, they’re out of Maxwell House Dark Roast blend… I wonder if they’ll replace it with Mellow Roast.  Apparently, they didn’t… BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE SAME THING!

Hm… running low on bottles of VH plum sauce.  Maybe they should stuff the empty shelf with bottles of ketchup.  Um, no, BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE SAME THING.

Oh, if I were pissed before, it up on the next level now, baby.  They’re not going to take me for a sap! NO SIR.  Time for me to defend my intelligence as a root beer drinker!  TIME TO THROW DOWN, IGA!

A couple of weeks ago, I told you good folks that One Giant Jump had won the video contest on the official World Jump Day website.  Well, yesterday, my prize arrived in the mail.

Should I be jumping on this picture? Yeah, predictably I’m not.