Gluemeat

at 1 minute 49 seconds Chapter 9 is not only the shortest *SNORT* chapter of the series, but also the strangest. Not only does R Kelly go a little *OH MY SIDES* Ferris Bueller on us, but also he STUMPS *HEHE* us with the tiny *BWFFFT* ending twist by not showing us what will happen, but by just telling us. This mini-me *HA* installment of sorts certainly will remain the pipsqueak *BAHAHA* enigma of the Opera but it’s peculiarity is certain dwarfed *BLARF* by the awesomeness of the rest of it. Midget.

Stumpy Stats thus far:
Infidelities: If the number of character is equal to n and the number of infidelities is equal to y than we can plot this on our graphs with the formula f(y) = n-1 .
Characters: Who cares.
People who’ve been shot: 1
Midgets: 1

Sometimes a Cigar is just a Cigar, and sometimes character in R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet saga has not broken their vow of marriage.

Wow, are we already on Chapter 7? I can’t believe it, but here we are. We’ve been through a lot so far. So far every character except the Gay Guy and the Guy who’se just got out of Prison (oh and Rosie the Nosy Neighbor) have revealed to have committed infidelity (That’s five married people, two couples and a fifth whose wife we have yet to meet), guns have been drawn, there’s been a sex scene, the police are involved, and a shot has been fired leading to a man down.
The real genius part of Chapter 7 for me is the fact that Twan (Gwen’s brother), a man who just got out of prison and arriving at his sister house gets shot, handles getting shot with much more reservation and rationality than Sylvester had shown when he found out his wife slept with another man, even though he had just betrayed her the night before. I’d like to think that if I got shot on accident by my brother-in-law I would wig the f$ck out. Here “The Criminal” is a much more pious and zen-like character than “The Everyman”.

Stats So Far:
Run Time: 20 minutes and 30 seconds.
Tempo Changes: 0
Melodies: 1
Times a Gun is Drawn: 4
Shots Fired: 1
Characters: 7
Characters who just got out of prison: 1
Midgets: 0

In the cinqtupleth installment of Trapt in the Blogget we present to you (perhaps coincidentally, but more fatally I like to think) the fifth chapter of R Kelly’s Operatic Ouvre “Trapped in the Closet”.

Irony is best served crazily loopy as in this installment our Protagonist, Sylvester, discovers that on the very same day of his own adultorous affair, his wife was having one of her own, but one devised by Kathy, the very woman whose husband is having an affair with another man and whose apartment Sylvester woke up in.

All great works of art have their imitator’s and homage’s, and already Trapped in the Closet has earned scores, but have any of them been recreated via “The Sims?”

The Original:

Are you following along with your Cliff’s Notes? If you are then you would know that the word Climax means the fictional height of a women’s physical experience.

Stats up to Chapter 4;
Midgets: 0
Infidelities: 4
Characters: 6
Incestuous Relationships: 0
Cliffhanger Endings: 4

Sorry, no write up today, just bask in the awesomeness of Chapter 3 of R Kelly’s masterpiece “Trapped in the Closet”
Exploring an adulterous Homosexual relationship with a married black Pastor through song? Genius.

Some people like Trapt in the Closet for it’s music and the story it tells. Most people like Trapt in the Closet for the unintentional comedy that it provides. Other people hate Trapped in the Closet because it’s clichéd and insipid even though many people claim it to be original and inspired. I like it because it is bringing Opera and Musical theater back to its roots. Amongst and for the people!
Yes Opera. The vastly convoluted and nonsensical plot of R Kelly’s masterpiece is equivalent to any version of The Barber of Seville or the Marriage of Figaro. It’s tackiness and badly written plotting and ultra simple melodies and musical themes lie at the heart of four hundred years of working man musicals and proletarian plays. Burn down Broadway and take off the powdered wigs. All we need is one man with one tune and reams and reams of ludicrous rhymes.

Stats up to and including Chapter 2,
Characters: 4
Number of times the word closet has been said: 11
Infidelities revealed: 2
Times a Gun has been pulled: 1
Homosexuals: 1.5
Midgets: 0

I can say it without hyperbole that TN is now the most excited person/blogger/meatpie in the world. And do you know why? This monday work on part thirteen of R Kelly’s exquisite transcendental genre busting Opera Trapped in the Closet will begin.

In c-c-c-celebration Gluemeat will be doing a 12 part revisit to each of the previous chapters, delving deeper into my academic and artistic obsession with this Post-Modern work of art.

Without further ado I present to you part one of R Kelly’s Trapt in the Closet

So this one night a couple of weeks ago I call up one of my friends. It’s a friend of mine I don’t see very often. Let’s call him “Bib.” So I call Bib up, right? And I start chatting with Bib, ask him what he’s been up to, he asks how my son is doing, I ask him how many Hot Wheels he has in his collection nowadays… you get the idea.

Then I ask Bib if he wants to catch a show on Friday night. He asks me what kind of show? I tell him Lesbo Vouven is playing on Friday night. He acquiesces heartily, and we hang up after agreed to a meetup hour at the dive they’re playing at.

So Friday throttles into my grateful lap and I go over to meet Bib. We enter the bar, grab a drink, chuckle at a couple of stories, he hits on a girl, and soon we see the band arriving on stage. Three good ol’ boys from Québec who proceed to pick up their instruments and begin strumming loud, heavy-handed punk rock which kind of reminds of Hüsker Dü with some discreet disco throngs. Trust me, it’s no rock-n-disco melange to the extent (or obviousness) of The Rapture, since Lesbo Vrouven has far more embraced its punkishness.

No, they’re not re-inventing the genre, they’re just fucking good at it. They can go from headbangingly energetic like on The Agency to heroically harmonic with the likes with Je reviens Geneviève (which definitely has a Diane feel to it, Dü fans). And it’s with songs like Geneviève which make the band stand out and force the crowd into submission. Not to mention singer/guitarist Sam Murdock’s nutty ways.

Well, to be honest, they didn’t have all the crowd in submission. At about the third song of the set, Bib turns to me:

“So when are the girls coming out?”

“Girls?” I retort, incredulous.

“Yeah! The girls,” he shoots back.

“I never said anything about girls.”

“You said this was a lesbian show.”

“I said the band’s name was Lesbo Vrouven,” I explained, finally understanding what was going on. “That’s the band right there playing.”

“So there’s no lesbians,” he stated, matter-of-factly.

“It’s a punk rock show! Sorry!”

And let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being silently patted on the shoulder by someone whose next objective is reaching the exit.

Je reviens Geneviève
The Agency
Crossfire
The Golden Age of

www.lesbovrouven.com
myspace.com/lesbovrouven