Gluemeat

Winning the hearts and minds of the locals though unintentional irony.

(Via Wonkette)

“I think James Baker and Dick Cheney should take Bush out to the woods around Camp David. After 24 hours in a sweat lodge, he should be given only a loin cloth, a hunting knife and a canteen of water. Bush should then set out to track and kill a black bear, after which he should eat its still beating heart so he can absorb its spirit. He should then fly back to Washington in Marine 1. His torso still scratched from the bear’s claws, his face bloodied and steaming in the November chill, he should immediately give a press conference at which he throws the bearskin on the front row of the press corps, completely enveloping Helen Thomas, declaring, ‘I’m not going anywhere.’”

- National Review Online writer Jonah Goldberg, coping with the Republican loss of the Senate and the House.

What you may not know about international superstar diva singstress Celine Dion is that she has a pretty extensive family. Also, they’re all musically inclined. They’re not all good, mind you, but being a Dion means you have some love for performing onstage.

In the province of Québec, the Dions are the equivalent of the Kennedys. A more down-home, neighbourhood-type Kennedy family, but the comparison still stands. The matriarch, who is commonly referred to as “Maman Dion,” is constantly on television and is a superstar in her own right. But it seems to me that every six months or so, she ends up on talk shows where people there start fawning over her Mad Motherhood Skillz™. She’s become the archetypical Québécois mom for raising all these children and getting them involved into music (although only one did it with any success). These spots always end up in some kind of tribute where a couple of Maman Dion’s children come out (never Celine because, you know, she’s busy) and gurgle through a tacky song.

So they did it again this past Sunday night on a Québec talk show. Maman Dion got on the show and another little tribute song was on its way. Desperate to avoid repeating a set-up that had already been done, the genius producers figured it would be a good idea to have THE WHOLE CLAN come on to do a song, all in perfect harmony. This time, the dowdy tribute song would be seen as a major, mind-blowing event.

The end result: miscues, restarts, microphone mishaps, off-key singing, on-the-air-frustration: the worst produced segment I have ever seen on television. The Dion clan were laughable, but the production team also dropped the ball. Doomed to failure, this one was. Let me tell you, there are people on public access who pull tighter stuff off.

It’s hilarious and sad, all the way to Celine showing up “live” on screen (*cough*pretaped*cough*), to the bunch of them in the studio fiddling around with their ear monitors the very minute the song is done. You gotta love live TV.

One day after Angela Merkel and Tony Blair met up to announce climate change is “is the biggest challenge of the 21st century,” Stephen Harper backs out of a Canada-EU summit.

Word on the street was that his EU counterparts were waiting to give him a damn good verbal thrashing about abandoning the Kyoto agreement. When it reached our PM’s ears, he balked and gave Finnish Prime Minister Maati Vanhanen a call to say he wouldn’t be showing up. But old Steve’s still going to make it to those NATO meetings two days later. You know, in case they let him ride a jet or a tank or something.

Of course, the PMO is saying that the PM isn’t going because he has to spend more time in Canada, what with being a minority government and whatnot. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that Harper hates being challenged. Nah, of course not. And it couldn’t possibly be related to specifications of the Clean Air Act; that there bit of legislation is tight. Air-tight. As in being tight on air; breathable air.

It’s not a good day to be God-fearing in America today.

Creation Science Evangelism honcho Kent Hovind has been found guilty of tax fraud and faces a maximum sentence of 288 years in prison. He eluded paying $845,000 US in employee taxes, figuring that those under his employ “are workers of God and therefore exempt from paying taxes.” Yeah, I’ve read about that one. It’s the obscure 11th commandment: “Thou shalt not pony up thine share to elude higher taxation brackets.”

In case you’ve forgotten, Hovind is the guy who’s trying to make us believe that humans and dinosaurs coexisted and who offered a $250,000 bounty for anyone who could provide empirical evidence for evolution.

Also, Ted Haggard, of the Christian New Life Church, was busted for, apparently, soliciting gay sex. Haggard is one of the US’s leading evangelical leaders and has openly stated that homosexuality is sin. Yet here he is, and he denies it, stating that all he was doing was buying drugs. You know, because all gay escorts do drugs and can get you hooked up with drugs. Also, doing drugs is a much more pardonable offence, as stated in the just-as-obscure-as-the-11th 12th commandment: “Thou shalt not imbibe hallucinogenic subtances; though if thou do, it’s okay.”

But even moreso, Haggard is pulling a Clinton, saying he bought the stuff but didn’t use it.

“‘I was tempted, I bought it, but I did not use it,’ [Haggart] said today.

He said he threw the drug out shortly after buying it. ‘I never kept it very long because it was wrong,’ he said.”

Even though there are taped answering machine messages which clearly show him wanting to buy “more” stuff. I guess after throwing out the first batch he had, he figured he’d go right ahead and throw out another.

(Via BoingBoing)

Don’t know if you’ve heard, but Willett Elementary School in south Boston has banned tag, touch football, and other games which imply kids chasing each other around a schoolyard.  The reason?  Fear that a child might injure him or herself and the parents will sue.  And they’re not the only school to have done it.
Now, when I was younger and my parents would go on and on about “how the world has changed” since they were little, I swore to myself that I would always be able to stay on top of things and be more connected to such changes so as to never settle into some grumpy-old-man mode, pining for better, simpler days.

But seriously, the world has changed.

When I was younger, we used to play in the large park which was part of the church grounds.  One day, playing baseball, one of my friends drove a baseball through one of the church’s windows.  Did the church sue?  Of course not, my friend’s parents paid for repairs and my buddy was grounded.  Another time, another friend was tackling the monkey bars at the school playground.  He fell and broke his forearm.  Did his parents sue?  No, it was a stupid accident.  Hell, I even stole a newspaper when I was ten; my parents brought me back to the corner store immediately to hand the paper back and have me apologise.  Did the corner store owner sue or call the cops?  Not quite.

Moreover, as child obesity rises, the usual suspects of video games, computers, and television will be blamed for it.  But with stupid rules being passed like that, and our playgrounds and parks being more and more barren because some parents fear what could happen to their kids outside, one is the direct consquence of the other.  If we don’t get our kids out, they won’t play outside.  It’s only normal for them to find solace in video games and TV if there’s nothing else to stimulate them.  It’s just that simple.  Not to mention that if we don’t let our kids play what they want to play outside, we’re not really conditioning them to enjoy their time outdoors, are we?

Some folks have argued that it’s no big shakes that tag be banned at school; kids can get together outside school hours and play amongst themselves away from the eyes of teachers.  To me, it’s a hell of a big deal.  For one, school is the social nexus of elementary kids and play is their way of creating bonds and learning social skills.  But more importantly, if this is the kind of reasoning which is to be accepted, is clearly demonstrates that the school isn’t interested in the development and growth of the children who go there.  They’re much more privy to protecting their interests instead of those of their little students.

But, throughout all this frustratingly oddball story, there is one positive element: it’s teaching the kids how to stick it to the man in creative, nondestructive ways.

When I heard about it and hit the net for more information, this is what I found on the front page of CNN.com:

Jesus-Christ, CNN. These events will create more than enough hysteria all by themselves, they don’t need a major media outlet getting into a fear frenzy. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but Fox News was actually much more sensible:

Yarr. Me can’t believe anudder year gone by already. Why, weren’t it be not but yesterday that I be running rum wit Johnny-stick-at-Nought and Petey-Three-Penny when the shinin’ sea reminded me it be September 19th once agin. Let it be me the first to wish ye and ye crew a fine and hardy, YAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!

While I feel sadness for what happened yesterday at Dawson College, and send my warmest thoughts to those who are struggling to stay alive on a hospital bed, I cannot but help feel bile rise into my mouth as I stumbled upon the front page of the Toronto Sun this morning:

Their basis for this headline? The killer wrote on the Internet that his favourite video game was Super Columbine Massacre RPG. The Sun article can’t even substantiate the claim further than a one-line blurb about video games. But no, he mentioned video games. It has to be video games.

Forget the fact that he was obviously depressed. Remain oblivious to the fact that he was angry at society. No, dumb all of this down to video games once again. It would be so, so wrong to try and figure out the complex psychological background that compelled him to do this. No, it has to be the fault of video games. What else could it be? Everything else in the world is going so well.

If you have the time, I invite you to check out his blog and accompanying photos. You tell me if it was a man who let video games rule his life, or if he was just profoundly troubled.

Bravo, Toronto Sun. You morons.

I believe the world has officially lost its sense of humour. Kazakhstan officials feel like they need to meet with US President Bush about Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan before it gets major distribution.

Kazakhstan president Nursultan Nazarbayev is to fly to the US to meet President Bush in the coming weeks and on the agenda will be his country’s image.

President Nazarbayev has confirmed his government will buy “educational” TV spots and print advertisements about the “real Kazakhstan” in a bid to save the country’s reputation before the film is released in the US in November.

President Nazarbayev will visit the White House and the Bush family compound in Maine when he flies in for talks that will include the fictional character Borat.

Yeah, an over-the-top, completely absurd comedy could really damage Kazakhstan’s reputation.  Forget about imepding on religious freedoms, the government’s messy oil bribe scandal, instilling fear into sex workers and drug addicts as the country’s AIDS epidemic grows, and the aggressive persecution of the media and political opposition, no matter how harsh. Really, the worst thing that could tarnish the country’s image right now is a jewish brit who also likes to pretend he’s a homeboy.

In fact, sure, go and make an issue out of it as you drop in on old George. It’s not like he’s got anything bigger on his plate, after all. Unless he’s caught up in his third re-read of I Am Charlotte Simmons.