The day the root beer cried
Okay. I’m in a mood. A bad mood. I’m like Thor, baby. Thunderclaps with my mighty hammer Mjolnir of justice which I call GLUEMEAT DOT COM.
I love root beer. Like, yeah. I love root beer. I love root beer like you love your lives, people. That’s how bloody much I love root beer. Okay? I’m a root beer lover enthusiast. I know a good glass of root beer from a bad glass of root beer. Yeah, that’s me. I can do that. CAN YOUR MOMMA DO THAT? NO, I DIDN’T THINK SO.
I love root beer but I can’t drink any old slop. Like don’t get me started on that high-end windshield washing liquid Coca-Cola calls Barq’s root beer, or that boiled potato swill Mug root beer. A&W root beer is about the closest mass-produced root beer which will do the trick when you’re stuck and need a glass, but it’s like saying you’ll settle for Mirage when you really wanted Optimus Prime.
Okay, so I know root beer. I love root beer. My local supermarket of choice is the only place around my redneck, under-educated, root beer ignorant neighborhood to carry a premium brand of root beer: Stewart’s Fountain Classic Root Beer. But you know what? Guess what? THEY NEVER HAVE THE BLOODY STUFF IN STOCK.
So tonight I go over to the supermarket to pick me up some oranges, right? Yeah, I eat oranges. I love oranges. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME EATING ORANGES? I wanted oranges, and we were out, so I went to buy oranges, okay? OKAY? Okay.
So I went in for oranges and figured I’d pick up a bottle of Smithwick’s root beer for the evening, but lo and behold, as freakin’ twenty seven hundred times out of twenty seven hundred and five, THEY WERE OUT OF STEWART’S ROOT BEER. Yeah, that never sits well with me. When I want a good glass of root beer, I want a good glass of root beer. But no. They never seem to be able to keep it in stock. They have all the other STEWART’s flavours: Orange n’ Cream, Key Lime, Cream Soda, Ginger Beer, Wishniak Black Cherry… oh, they never seem to run out of THOSE.
But no, that wasn’t really the problem. Here’s the kicker. Here’s the deal. Here’s what made me fly off the handle and pull out my cameraphone:
They ran out of Stewart’s root beer and filled in the empty space with bottles of A&W root beer. THEY FILLED IN THE SPACE WHERE THE PREMIUM ROOT BEER WOULD GO WITH BOTTLES OF PLAIN JANE A&W ROOT BEER! The NERVE! It wasn’t insulting enough for them to be unable to keep the Stewart’s root beer in stock, no, they figured we’d settle for a sub-par beverage which, in reality, is NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL. Premium root beer and A&W root beer are in TWO SEPARATE CLASSES and one cannot be passed off as the other! How dare they do this?
Gee, they’re out of Maxwell House Dark Roast blend… I wonder if they’ll replace it with Mellow Roast. Apparently, they didn’t… BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE SAME THING!
Hm… running low on bottles of VH plum sauce. Maybe they should stuff the empty shelf with bottles of ketchup. Um, no, BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE SAME THING.
Oh, if I were pissed before, it up on the next level now, baby. They’re not going to take me for a sap! NO SIR. Time for me to defend my intelligence as a root beer drinker! TIME TO THROW DOWN, IGA!
Ah, the root beer quandry. Who of us has not craved the cool, refreshing taste of a quality bottle of Root beer? I am like you. I am picky about my root beer. While I will settle for inferior brands if pinch comes to shove, I can, too, tell the horrible difference. Luckily I live where the good stuff is readily available and often on sale. I just don’t have a car currently to go buy it. So now I want good root beer after reading this and now I can’t have one. Thanks a lot! Just have to bring others down with ya, don’t ya? Misery loves company, and all that jazz. I’m just going to go into a corner and cry now. Are you HAPPY now?! Huh?!
:P that is a shame you should try makeing rootbeer urself it comes out nicely
Salena: FINALLY. SOMEONE WHO WILL LIVE MY PAIN. WITH ME. FAR AWAY.
MelissLark: Brew my own root beer, huh? That actually sounds like fun… hmmm…
My grandfather used to brew his own..Hard Apple Cider
Barrels and Barrels full in the basement, hell..the man had his own TAP beer in the kitchen (which is still there today lol)
I hate hate hate hate hate Barqs…A&W and Mug too.
I forgot the brand, but it’s like…3 letters, and it’s in a cool brown glass bottle…and it’s not bad.
But the only one that I found the BEST root beer and cream soda…was a brand with some country dude on the front…can’t remember the brand. I’ll get back to you on it.
I used to work in the grocery store and in a convenient store…we NEVER filled the empty spots with things that don’t go together.